Christmas is a season of receiving gifts for the kids; time for giving gifts for the parents and godparents; a moment for parties for the party-goers; a bonding time for a barkada; a sweet encounter for the lovers; an event for peace for the others. Either way, this is how people define their celebration for the birth of Jesus Christ.
Let me share mine.
I don't know what's in me these days. I easily get irritated. I don't get satisfied being just there/here. But i really wanna be anywhere. See? Its just not the usual me. I get too lazy, "batugan" in the best sense. But i wanna do so many things. Since, i have piled a list of my "Things to do". I easily get upset. I do understand that this might be brought about by the the "coming" of my monthly period. I get used to this, my family either.
I really get bad vibes at home. Since im lazy, everybody at home hates me. They think im useless and can not be depended at home.
Bad trip. I looked at the clock its 10 o'clock in the evening. We'll hear mass in thirty minutes then. So, i kept my laptop and began to fix myself for the Mass. Dad asks me, if Im going to go with them for Hoy Eucharist.
Feeling badtrip, i ignored him and continued to dress. I was upset (Was dad thinking I am getting dress for something?!?). Im done dressing up. Im ready to go. Yes, I am alone going to church.
Dad together with my siblings went ahead of me to church. I did not mind being alone. I want to Church to give homeage to God.
At the church now, I see families together, siblings being good to each other, friends chit-chatting (which i hated), girls who just went boy-hunting(i hated more). This was the sad part, I had to search for my family. It is in the fact that striked me much--I AM ALONE. It caused me pain. The sadness i felt was indescribable.
I continued to attend and be attentive to the Mass and serve my purpose their.
Father's homily talked about our preparations for Christmas day. He pointed out that people had so much to offer for their external preparations---- delicious food, gifts, expensive decorations, and their new set of clothes for Mass. The priest then questioned, HOW ABOUT THE INTERNAL PREPARATIONS, ARE YOU PREPARED? HAVE YOU SET THE THINGS YOU NEED TO HAVE FOR THE BIRTH OF JESUS?
I was caught in deep thinking. What have I done, then, for Jesus Christ's bday?
There is pain and anger in my heart. All the emotional stress brought by family can not be deleted abruptly. I was silent. I asked the Lord to help me become the His good follower. But I really felt unwanted.
I ended the Mass having hope that by the end of the day, I will be able to meet my preparations for His birthday. But I didn't. I failed.
I secluded myself from the celebration of the family. Their noche buena was normal, mine was for myself alone. They had their chit-chats while I closed myslef in the room. I ate alone. Celebrated alone.
That is when I realized, Christmas is a season for forgiveness; for a joyous celebration with your loved ones; a time to give love without anything in return; a time when all the pains become happiness for the Lord. The essence of Christmas falls between Jesus Christ and the people celebrating his birth.
So literally, I was not able to celebrate the true essence of Christmas with the family. I was selfish that i only thought of being cared of.
But in my heart, I gave Jesus a party. I welcomed Him in. I know, someday the pain will turn into sweet feelings for my family. Blame it on the monthly period, I say. I still get easily upset. I still turn their happy moments into grey lights. They are still annoyed with me. And I missed Christmas with them.
We are all in one roof, but its like we don't have any connection at all. I am saddened by this event.
For this, let me offer a prayer:
Dear God, I worship and glorify your most Holy name.
Pardon me for all the shortcomings I've done. I honor that I am a sinner.
Thank you for giving me my family. I know, we may not be in good terms, they still are my "sandigan" in times of worrybouts.
Thank you for giving me my friends-- BACOLOD, CEBU, METRO MANILA, ALL OVER THE WORLD. I know we'll be always there to cheer each one.
Thank you for all the loved ones who've spent their life being part of mine.
Thank you for giving me such a colorful life. I've been naughty and nice, yet YOU have been pouring good blessings that I should be grateful of.
Thank you for being my savior, my light..of all the people I've loved, you never left me alone.
I pray you continue to give me a loving and forgiving heart and extend to me peace of mind and caring hands.
Lord, you know what my heart has desired. I believe you will grant it in Your time.
Thy will be done
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Merry Christmas errbody.
Don't follow mu stubborness.
Lessons learned: Be strong to forgive. Don't fear to ask for forgiveness. Get away with being self-centered. The world is not all about you.
